Internet Marketing Strategies, Snow White, and the Seven Outsourcing Dwarfs

300px Schneewitchen %281%29 Internet Marketing Strategies, Snow White, and the Seven Outsourcing Dwarfs

Who Has the Greatest Internet Marketing Strategies in the Land?

A long time ago in a far away land there lived a wicked Queen, known far and wide for her successful Internet Marketing strategies, and her lovely stepdaughter Snow White. The Queen had significant control issues and treated her large staff of trolls and wicked elves quite poorly; they endured unreasonable deadlines and expectations, and often the Queen simply discarded their work proclaiming, “I’ll just do it all myself.”

The Queen realized Snow White’s talents for Internet Marketing strategies had the potential to far surpass her own, and it really got on her nerves. So she practiced daily visualization exercises, looking into an enchanted mirror and asking it if her Internet Marketing strategies were the greatest in the land. Being an enchanted but not necessarily honest mirror, it always covered its glass and stroked the Queen’s fragile self esteem.

But one day the enchanted mirror had enough of all the brown nosing and answered the Queen, “Sure you’re one hot Internet Marketing strategies mama, but that stepdaughter of yours is a real smart cookie.” As you might imagine this infuriated the vain Queen, so she summoned her most loyal troll.

“Bring me the heart of Snow White,” she said.

The troll bowed and left the palace, but he felt really conflicted because he and Snow White were secret bfs and sent text messages back and forth all the time. So he pulled out his smartphone and sent her a text.

“OMG QWN H8S U”

“WTF?”

“HED 4 WUDS”

“L8R”

“BFFL”

“BFF”

Then Snow White headed out for the deepest and darkest section of the woods because she heard the Wi-Fi signal was great out there and she could really focus on developing her own Internet Marketing strategies.

Internet Marketing Strategies in the Deep, Dark Woods

Upon arriving in the darkest part of the woods she found a friendly looking cottage. Over the door a sign read “Fairyland Outsourcing.” Snow White knocked at the door, but nobody was home so she went inside.

Inside she found tiny furniture, dishes, and clothing strewn about. Snow White didn’t form any height-related prejudices against whoever might live in the cottage because she deeply believed the vertically challenged should be empowered against oppressive cultural stereotypes, but she did think they were slobs. She swept the floor, washed the dishes, and defragged the seven laptops she found in the back office.

When the seven inhabitants of the cottage returned home they were happy to see Snow White had tidied up after them. They also told her it was fine to refer to them as dwarfs because they didn’t feel their smallness should be an issue and anyway they were proud of their cultural heritage.

Snow White recognized the opportunity she had stumbled upon and started formulating new and exciting Internet Marketing strategies for a project she had long been considering. Although she was exceptionally talented at Internet Marketing strategies herself, she believed in the power of synergy and knew outsourcing the details would leave her free to give the project her personal best. So before the end of the day Snow White and the seven outsourcing dwarfs had entered into a joint venture and set a launch date.

It wasn’t long before the Queen heard the buzz about Snow White’s new product. She knew it had the potential to really dominate her niche, and she got really jealous. She was also pretty ticked because the troll hadn’t really killed Snow White, so she fired her entire staff. She hissed, “If you want something done right you have to do it yourself.”

So the Queen disguised herself as an old crone and had no trouble finding the little cottage in the deep dark forest. The dwarfs still had day jobs working for a large entertainment conglomerate, so Snow White was home alone.

“Buy an apple from a poor old woman?” she croaked when Snow White answered the door.

Although Snow White was trying to cut back on carbs, she justified the apple on the grounds of the old woman’s distressed economic state and obvious need of a more brand-conscious mentor such as herself. But when she bit into the apple, Snow White instantly fell into a deep, deep sleep.

When the seven dwarfs returned home and found Snow White laid out like she was dead, they went right to work. They Googled a freelance prince who came and broke the spell in exchange for a backlink to one of their PR7 blogs.

The Queen was so angry when she heard what happened that she started a comment spam campaign to undermine Snow White’s online authority, but got her own primary money site blacklisted instead. She also resorted to some black hat SEO tricks to steal Snow White’s web traffic, but before long the Queen’s website disappeared forever into the Google sandbox.

Snow White: New Internet Marketing Strategies Goddess

All this publicity increased the buzz about Snow White’s new product, and its launch was a big success. Soon the seven dwarfs were able to quit their day jobs and Snow White became a regular speaker on Internet Marketing strategies in the make money online seminar circuit, so of course everyone lived happily ever after.

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Hansel and Gretel Do Twitter

Once upon a time there was a boy named Hansel and a girl named Gretel who wandered deep into the dark, dark forest. Concerned about becoming lost, they posted frequent geotweets to Twitter with an application on their iPhone so all their followers would know where to find them.

In one of the deepest and darkest corners of the forest, Hansel and Gretel came upon a quaint cottage occupied by a cosmetically disadvantaged elderly woman. The elderly woman’s home was made of gingerbread, decorated with fluffy white frosting and huge colorful gumdrops.

Being somewhat portly, and quite interested in all edible sugary things, the two children hurried to the cottage (as much as a portly child can hurry) and broke massive chunks of gingerbread from one of the walls, totally disregarding the owner’s unalienable right to use and enjoy one’s own property.

The cosmetically disadvantaged elderly woman poked her head through an open window and was immediately intrigued by the plump and presumably juicy appearance of the children.

“Who’s that nibbling on my house?” said the woman.

Startled, but so intoxicated with the deliciousness of the gingerbread house, Hansel and Gretel merely glanced at the woman and continued eating. They did, however, note the peculiar green tint of her skin, but had been taught not to judge others based solely on appearance.

The cosmetically disadvantaged woman cackled in a low voice and smiled a content-yet-somewhat-evil smile.

“Go ahead and nibble away, my pretties. You’ll soon pay for the pleasure.”

And not hearing the old woman’s cackle, the boy named Hansel and the girl named Gretel did in fact continue nibbling away at the delicious (and surprisingly not stale) gingerbread house.

After the children ate their fill of the gingerbread cottage and consumed nearly all of its gumdrop trim, they sat back in a sugar-induced stupor. The cosmetically disadvantaged old woman emerged from the cottage.

“So, darling children,” said the woman. “Did you enjoy your little feast?”

(Although, in fact, the children’s feast had been quite enormous.)

“Yes, yes!” said the children. “It was quite delicious.”

“And having filled your bellies, are you ready now to pay?”

Hansel and Gretel blinked stupidly.

“But we have no money,” they said.

“So then you’ll have to give back all you’ve eaten,” said the woman.

“It’s in our bellies,” cried Gretel. “It’s too late to give it back now.”

“Too late, too late! Since you can’t give back what you’ve eaten, I’ll have to eat the both of you instead!”

She cackled a horrible laugh, and the children began to think this was not in fact a regular, cosmetically challenged, old woman. They began to fear she might actually be, a witch!

“Aw, there you go stereotyping a poor old woman,” she said. “I’m merely taking back what is rightfully mine. It just happens to be inside your rather enormous bellies.”

“But someone will come to find us. We geotweeted all along the way and one of our followers will be able to track us here and then you’ll really be in trouble,” said Hansel, feeling rather proud of himself.

“Twitter, schmitter,” she said. “Chances are nobody was reading your tweets anyway. Most twits are following too many tweeters to really pay attention to what anybody posts. They’re busy posting their own inane chatter and scanning for links to retweet so someone might think they have something interesting to share.”

Gretel pondered the witch’s words a moment, then exclaimed, “I do regret not making our tweets more interesting and informative. And I always harbored the doubt that anyone was actually reading what we posted.”

So the old woman tossed the boy named Hansel and the girl named Gretel into her oven (a surprisingly easy task since the children were, as I said before, quite portly) and dined on them for several days.

And nobody knew where Hansel and Gretel had gone or what their fate had been. Ironically, most of the children’s geotweets had been retweeted numerous times.

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